Gawking Characters

By Jessica Murphy

A "gawking character" is a narrator who tells the reader what happens in a scene instead of letting the reader experience the action directly. This is called narrator intrusion, and it robs the reader of the full experience, thus distancing him from the story. A gawking character looks like this:

Gawking: "Adam saw the orange glow and the black smoke rolling into the sky from where he stood on the corner of the block. As he jogged down the sidewalk toward it, he felt a cool breeze and smelled burning wood. As he ducked under the branch of a tree, he saw the burning house. From where he stood, he felt the intense heat and heard the flames roar and pop. Adam stepped forward toward the open front door but felt the searing heat from the sidewalk drive him back."

The words in red show you where the narrator steps between the reader and the action and tells the reader what happens. This detracts from the reader’s experience. A scene must allow readers to experience the action directly in order to grab them. Would you prefer to watch a friend eat a hot fudge sundae and tell you how sweet it tastes, or would you want to eat it yourself?

A gawking character is also redundant. The scene is told from the viewpoint character's perspective, so we already know that we are reading his or her experience. Telling the reader that the character is experiencing the scene is redundant.

Here is the same sentence without the gawking character:

Direct: "Adam glanced up from the corner of Kingwood and Beechurst. The starlit sky glowed orange, and thick smoke rolled across it. He spun on one heel, crunching grit on the sidewalk beneath his shoes, and ran down the street. The cool autumn breeze carried sparks and the smell of burning wood past him. As he brushed the branches of a tree out of his face, the burning house appeared.

A rushing roar filled Adam’s ears, and a wave of heat lifted the hairs on his tan arms. Shading his blue eyes with his hand, he squinted against the blinding light. Flames engulfed every inch of the house and licked at the cloudless sky. They popped and crackled from inside the house, the sounds echoing down the empty street. Adam rushed toward the front porch, but the heat seared his face. He fell back."

This time, the narrator does not water down the scene. We see no "Adam felt," "Adam saw," "Adam heard." Instead, the reader is the one standing on the sidewalk, seeing the flames, feeling their heat, hearing their roar. This direct experience captivates readers and keeps them interested.

Nonphysical Gawking

A gawking character can also filter internal experiences, such as thoughts or emotions. Again, if the scene is being told from the viewpoint character's perspective, we can assume that any thoughts belong to that character (unless he or she can read others' thoughts or sense emotions).

Gawking: "Blood soaked through the fabric, and Preston realized he had plunged the blade into Jack’s side."

Since this scene is told from Preston’s point of view, he can be the only one who realizes something. We don’t need to state the obvious.

Direct: "A red stain spread across Jack's gut, matting the shirt to his skin. The silver blade glinted from where Preston had plunged it in Jack’s side."

The same holds true for emotions:

Gawking: "I felt worried, but a breeze made me feel a little better."

This is told in first person point of view, so the narrator must be the one who felt worried. After all, he cannot feel another character’s emotions. So, stating what the narrator felt is redundant.

Direct: "My stomach churned, but the crisp air cooled my feverish skin and the nausea settled for the moment."

If you take out the gawking character, your readers can experience every scene directly. Any less cheats them out of the story and, in the end, loses them.

Ellipsis vs. Dash Usage in Fiction

by Sherry Wilson


The question I get asked most often by writers is whether they should use a dash or an ellipsis. This is also something that I often see misused in fiction—sometimes even in published fiction. Once it is explained, you’ll find it a relatively simple concept.


The Dash

The dash is a very useful tool when writing fiction. It can replace commas, parentheses or colon and is more informal in its usage. The dash can be written as two hyphens in a row--like this or as an em dash—like this. Your word processor might convert the two hyphens to the em dash automatically as you type. There are no spaces before or after the dash.

A dash can show a shift in thought or to set off an important element in a sentence.

Examples:
She laughed—a knowing sound—and leaned back in her chair.
For the most part I’m happy with it—or at least I was.

You can also use a dash in place of a colon to make the text less formal.

Example: He liked to play instruments—guitar, violin, piano, and trumpet.

A dash can be used in place of parentheses.

Example: The whole class—about thirty students—received brand new instruments.

The dash is a very useful tool in your writing, but should be used sparingly. It draws the eye and thus emphasizes a phrase in a statement. But if there’s a dash in every sentence, then it loses its effect.


Ellipses

I often see ellipses misused in fiction—sometimes even in published fiction. The ellipsis does not show a break in thought. It is used to show a thought that trails off and is left unfinished.

Example: I remember that day back in May… Well, it isn’t really important.

There are no spaces before the ellipsis. You leave a space after the ellipsis when it begins a new sentence.

The other use for the ellipsis is in quoting from something and you only want to use part of the source. If you leave out something in the middle, you use the ellipsis to show that something has been left out.

Example: “To be, or not to be: that is the question … Be all my sins remember’d.”

Ellipses are rarely used in fiction. If your character’s words trail off as he notices the tornado heading straight for him, then you’ll need to use an ellipsis. It is a useful tool when used sparingly.


Okay, grammar lesson is over. Back to work . . .

HOW TO SELECT THE PERFECT EDITOR

By

Rhonda Browning White

As professional editors, we hear it all the time.

“I paid Editor X four hundred dollars, (or a thousand dollars, or fifty bucks) to edit my manuscript, and I’m still getting rejections. The agents are telling me it still needs a lot of work. Have I been scammed?”

It breaks our hearts, but we have to answer, “Yes. You have.”


A professional edit of your work is an investment. It’s an investment in your manuscript, in your reputation as a writer of excellence, and in your career as a published (or soon-to-be-published) author. Hence, you want to select the best editor possible for your work. But in a world of scam artists, or even well-meaning acquaintances who offer to edit your work for a few bucks, how do you decide which editor to trust with your manuscript?

In this two-part essay series, I’ll address some of the questions you should ask of potential editors and the answers to seek before you hand over your manuscript (and your money).

• Determine what kind of editing your manuscript (book, novel, novella, short story, chapbook, etc.) needs. Do you need simple proofreading by a qualified professional? Do you need a full edit with feedback on active voice, characterization, plotting, pacing, and other important story elements? Do you need more in-depth assistance, such as a complete re-write to restructure or round-out your story, or to act out (show) the scenes that are written in a telling fashion? Do you have a basic outline and completed research, but you need a professional writer to ghostwrite your story? In addition to the edit, do you want post-edit assistance, such as help preparing a proposal, query letter or synopsis? Or do you simply need a professional read-through analysis where a qualified editor will study your manuscript and make overall suggestions or offer direction for improvements you can make on your own? Once you know what you need, you can search with confidence for the right candidate for the job.

• Research the editor or editing firm thoroughly on the Internet. Search both company name and the individual editor’s name. Check to see what is said about them outside of their own website, and see how active they are in the writing community. Are they listed as workshop presenters or speakers at writing conferences? Are they mentioned on author websites with a note of thanks for what they've done? Look for an editing company that provides excellent references and testimonials from clients.

• Check to make sure the editing company has two or more editors. If one has a family emergency, you’ll want a back-up contingency plan to ensure your work is finished before the deadline you were given. Another benefit of a company with multiple editors is that, while one editor may thrive on editing doctorate dissertations, another may detest them, yet love to edit romances or horror stories. Choose a company with multi-talented editors, so you can ensure you’ll have a long-term relationship with the group, no matter which direction your muse may lead you.

• Ask for a free sample edit. Reputable editors will be happy to ediT a few pages (250-500 words) of your novel or book. Of course, if you’ve written a two-page short story or brief article, don’t expect a free sample—that’s unfair to the editor. It’s important to see if the editor can supply the exact assistance you need and if you two are compatible as a team. Your relationship with your editor is a marriage, of sorts, so make sure honesty and communication are part of the equation. Can you email your editor and expect a response within one business day? (If your free sample edit is returned within one business day, you can expect the same prompt response to your questions and concerns). Will you editor agree to conference call (telephone) meetings? Will there be an additional fee for such phone conferences? Were you provided a phone number at which to contact your editor, free of charge, with questions regarding your edit?

• Expect to pay fair wages for professional work. There’s an old adage that says, “If you pay with peanuts, you’ll end up working with monkeys.” The so-called editor who offers to edit your manuscript in exchange for nail salon services, babysitting, or auto repair is not a professional. Professional editors are highly skilled, college-educated, published experts who accept only real money for real work. Editors pay taxes on their wages (no “under the table” business), they carry business insurance, and they will provide you with a legal contract prepared by an attorney who is familiar with the publishing industry.

• Settle on an exact fee—in writing. Be certain how much the professional editing service you request will cost. What is the exact fee for the service provided? Will you be billed by-the-hour (typically only for ghostwriting or writing that requires research, which can’t always be quantified by a word-count); or will you be charged a per-word fee? Expect to pay less for small services, such as professional proofreading or for a read-through analysis, and more for ghost-editing (a service that’s more detailed than a full edit, but less involved than ghostwriting). Typical full-edit fees range from three cents per word to ten cents per word, depending on the company and the editor. Ghostwriting fees may range from thirty cents to fifty cents per word. Proofreading fees may range from one to three cents per word. In addition to the basics, make sure you seek value-added services, such as frequent communication, a multi-page written analysis of the work completed on your manuscript, or perhaps even your name listed on the editor’s web site as a free marketing tool for your published book.

• Ask about payment options. Does the editor or editing company accept credit cards, or are they strictly cash-and-carry? (Many credit cards offer free cardholder protection services). Will the editor accept your work piecemeal (a chapter at a time as you can afford to pay)? Do they offer gift certificates? Will they accept international payments? Professional editing companies will offer a variety of options to make doing business with them convenient and affordable.

• Ask for an editing contract. Make sure specifics are spelled out for you, particularly, two things: First, that the writer retains all rights to his manuscript, including suggestions made by the editor pertaining to his manuscript. Second, the editor will keep confidential all information about the writer and the submitted manuscript. The contract should also spell out exactly how much the edit will cost, what it will include (one edit, multiple edits, rewrites, follow-up services, phone conferences, and an estimated date of completion).

Check back this fall for more tips on selecting the right editor for your manuscript. Remember, you and your editor are a team! Choose one who will be with you through many manuscripts to come!

Writing for an Online Audience

by Jessica Murphy, Inspiration for Writers, Inc. intern.

When writing for an online audience, you must meet different needs than you normally would. People read online text 25 percent more slowly than they read text in print. As a result, they become less patient: up to 80 percent of online readers scan the page for what they need instead of actually reading its contents.

You must therefore write even more clearly and persuasively for an online audience. To do so, you can either persuade your readers to read your entire document or - more likely - make it as easy as possible for them to find the information they need. The following guidelines will help you achieve your purpose:

1. Put the most important information first. This way, readers can immediately access the information they need.

2. Use headings and subheadings. Headings help the reader scan the document for what they need by identifying topics.

3. Limit each paragraph to three or four sentences. This breaks up large blocks of text, which makes the document look less daunting.

4. Use a short line length. Limiting it to half the width of the screen helps reduce eye movement.

5. Write concisely. Short, simple sentences with concrete nouns and active verbs work well.

6. Make bulleted or numbered lists. Doing so breaks up paragraphs, shortens line length, and highlights important information. Bulleted lists show items of equal importance, while numbered lists show items in descending order of importance or in chronological order.

7. Use sufficient contrast. Make sure your audience can read your document by testing it at Juicy Studio's Luminosity Color Contrast Ratio Analyzer. This site will tell you if your contrast passes or fails a readability test.

8. Use sans serif fonts. Sans serif fonts lack the little feet on each character. Times New Roman is a serif font, while Helvetica is a sans serif font. I wrote this post in Verdana, a sans serif font created specifically for online use.

9. Avoid italics. They are harder to read on a screen than in print.

Online readers need clear, concise information when reading documents on the Internet. These guidelines should help you both meet their needs and achieve your own goals.




References

Oliu, Walter E., Charles T. Brusaw, and Gerald J Alred. Writing That Works: Communicating Effectively on the Job. 9th edition. Boston: Bedford-St. Martin's, 2007. 515-528.

Rude, Carolyn D. Technical Editing. 4th edition. New York: Pearson Education, Inc., 2006. 119, 399.


(c) 2010, Inspiration for Writers, Inc., All Rights Reserved

A Slice of Writer's Life

Tips for surviving a writer's conference.

Darwin was right when he coined, "Survival of the fittest." You have to be in good shape to survive a writer's conference. The travel, the workshops, the food, the smiling, the walking, and the parties are enough to bring the healthiest of writers to their tender knees. The hours, the reading, the listening, and the networking can make a writer's conference fun or a big fat flop.

Most cons for writer folk are pretty well organized. Honestly, how easy can it be herding a bunch of people who spend most of their "productive" time sitting still and perched on the edge of a rolling office chair from Office Depot? They are not in the habit of moving at light speed for much of anything unless it's the mail to collect acceptance letters, checks, and of course, letters of rejection. Even though they should, most writers "forget" to exercise on a daily basis and that makes the exercise of attending conference workshops a challenge for some.

However, you may be one of the few writers I met in the fitness center of the Hyatt hotel two weeks ago as I was exercising while attending the Romantic Times Booklover's Convention 2010 in Columbus, Ohio. Wait. The only other people on the equipment with me were male romance cover models keeping their pecs in working order for the pageant and the picture sessions. I took my yoga mat with me, but when I saw the parade of cover models taking the elevators to the basement, I followed and was not disappointed. The scenery was great but the exercise allowed me to function and come home from the con only a little worn out and able to rejoin the normal household pace without much more than a two-hour nap. Most of the other writers I know who attend this conference need three days to recover. I don't have that luxury.

Besides taking your yoga mat, what else should you do to "survive" a writer's conference? Here are my ideas:

1. Prepare. Start early on preparations including getting eight hours of sleep several nights before going to the conference.

2. Food. Pack any particular foods you must eat. Don't rely on local food availabilities to provide what you're used to eating. I limit the amount of white flour and high fructose corn syrup I eat, so I packed a loaf of white spelt bread and took a six-pack of bottled water to save money. I even called the hotel restaurant ahead of time so I could plan my meals around what they serve that I can eat.

3. Exercise. Committ to exercise at least once (should exercise a few minutes a day) while at the conference. That's why I packed my yoga mat. Ten minutes of yoga in the morning before the workshops made a huge difference to my energy levels and my attitude all day.

4. Water. Drink water and lots of it. No matter what everyone else is drinking, you should drink more water than usual while at conferences. Water is cleansing and calming. For every glass of wine or beer you deposit, drink two of water.

5. Advance planning. Plan your workshops in advance. Even if you do not get the workshop schedule until you arrive, take fifteen minutes to make a list of the sessions you want to attend. Check the maps (if one is provided) and be reasonable about how much distance you can cover between sessions. The walking at con does not count as exercise it only contributes to exhaustion. And wear reasonable shoes.

6. Pamper yourself. Take pampering tools with you. A few drops of lavender oil in the bath water will revitalize and even your temperament so you can cope with the hectic pace and crowds of conferences. Driving? Pack the motorized foot bath and soak your feet every night!

So many great things normally happen at a writer's conference no matter what level or type of writer you are. Pack your patience, your best attitude, and your yoga mat and you will come home with good information and perhaps a new book contract like I did!

You get out of a writer's con what you put in to it. Stuff it with positivity and that's what you'll get in return.

Get thee to the nearest writer's con soon, but be smart and healthy about it!

Be well, write well,
Joy Held
copyright 2010

Right now I'm reading Vengeance Road, by Rick Mofina, www.rickmofina.com.
Love it! Action, mystery, suspense and really well written. Met him at RT con! Check it out!
What are YOU reading?


Writer Wellness, A Writer's Path to Health and Creativity
Joy Held
New Leaf Books, 2003
www.newleafbooks.com

Showing versus Telling

Show and tell. This is one of the most important rules in writing fiction. Always “show” the story, never “tell” it. Of course, there are times when passages of “telling” are necessary (i.e. in narrative summary). There are some incidences where it’s acceptable, such as in transitions. Or perhaps there’s a jump in time that needs to be conveyed. But for the most part, the more a writer “shows,” the better.


What is showing? Showing takes place in real time; we see things unfold as they happen. Showing shows us where we are, gives us a location we can picture. Then there’s action, something that happens, and with that comes dialogue.


Ever hear the saying: Actions speak louder than words? The same rule applies to writing. Actions bring characters to life, it makes your characters believable, and it makes us a part of the story and a part of them. We’ll learn more about a character and become more connected to them by what they do, rather than by what the narrator “tells” us they do. It also brings in the five senses: touch, taste, see, smell, and feel.


Here’s a brief example below. Both lines are saying the same thing, only one is “telling” and the other is “showing:”


TELLING: Michael was scared. But he tried to hide it.


SHOWING: Michael took a deep breath and puffed up his chest. But his hand trembled when he reached for the doorknob. He stuffed it in his pocket, then turned to his companion and chuckled.


Which lines engage you more as a reader? Notice the second lines show “action,” whereas the first lines “tell” what he’s feeling.


One tip I always give to clients on how to show and not tell is to start with the object and have it "do something." Another key is to cut the "was" phrases.


BEFORE: It was early in the morning. The sun was coming up over the horizon and shining on the crops of flax.


Here, the object is the sun. In the second sentence we begin with the "object," but we have that troublesome "was" phrase, which makes this passage "telling."


AFTER: The morning sun cast lances of light over the blue and purple valleys. A breeze carried the scent of flaxen crops and manure to the early risers.


Notice the deleted "was" phrases and how we start with the object and we have that object "do something." Also, notice how we had room to add more from the five senses, such as smell.


That example was a bit complicated, so let's break it down into something more simple.


BEFORE: The breeze was cold.


AFTER: The Canadian breeze sliced through his coat and nipped his skin.


Now, I'm not saying these can't be worded better, but the idea is to have the breeze "do something." In this case, the breeze is slicing and nipping.


Hope this has been helpful, and if anyone has something to add, please do!


Happy writing!


Sandi

Using Commas With "And"

Dear Grammar Guru,



When do I use a comma with and?



Confused



Dear Confused,



Use a comma before and:

(1) in a series of three or more words, phrases, or clauses

Many artists, writers, and composers find inspiration in daydreaming and mediation. Today many authorities omit the comma before and if the phrases are short. Caution: Make sure the sentence does not confuse the reader if the comma is omitted. Example: I enjoy reading, writing and walking dogs. Writing dogs? How does one do that? Retain the final comma, or rewrite the sentence: I enjoy reading novels, writing poetry and walking dogs.

(2) after the first sentence in a compound sentence

A compound sentence is two sentences joined by a coordinating conjunction (most commonly and, but, or). Example: Henry David Thoreau urged simple and honest approaches to life, and he was jailed for refusing to pay a tax to support the Mexican War. Notice there is a complete sentence on both sides of and.



Do not a comma after and unless another rule dictates that usage. Example: "I did not ask you to finance the project, and, in my opinion, you are out of line," my sister said. The comma after and is not because of and. In my opinion is a parenthetical expression or interrupter; it requires a comma before and after it. Without the parenthetical expression, the sentence would require no comma after and. "I did not ask you to finance the project, and you are out of line," my sister said.



Grammar Guru

A Slice of Writer's Life

To Writer's Conference Or Not?

Unless it's in your backyard, the cost of attending writer's conferences these days is prohibitive for many writers of all levels. A conference is a unique experience and there are many pros and cons to attending. You've surely read or heard about the networking principle and how meeting other writers and attending workshops and panels with industry professionals usually contributes a great deal of positive energy and information to your work as a writer. But is it worth it in the long run to pay for transportation, hotel, food, the conference, and shipping your booty back home from the hotel? Short answer: yes, but you should choose carefully in order to get the most bang for your buck and time.

I've attended many conferences over the last twenty years. From small local gatherings to large meetings with 2000 romance writers standing in line at the ladies room, and I have never regretted going to any of them. Each one provided me with another notch of understanding what it takes to be a writer who can claim the ultimate label of published author. Sure, I had to wear the scarlett letter on my name badge for several years: Aspiring Writer, but the more I absorbed and the more I applied and the more I practiced the habits of published writers the sooner I ditched the 'aspiring' title and now proudly wear the published author name tag. I even hang a color photo of my published book covers from the bottom of my conference name tag to validate my status. But it took many years of internship at conferences before everything changed.

It wasn't just attending conferences that changed my status from aspiring to published. The more I circulated with other writers in the same boat or whose ship had come in, the more I learned how to behave like a published author. Like any good writer, I applied the practices we use to gather good material for our stories to attending conferences. I dressed like the published authors. I sat near them in the bars and restaurants and listened to them talk to their editors and agents. I volunteered to work for the conference and more than once helped famous authors set up their workshops or arrange for transportation. I struck up random conversations with editors and other aspiring writers about contemporary topics like the future of ebook readers and print on demand publishing. I attended sessions that included panels of editors, agents, and published authors. Although I heard the same information repeatedly, I filed it all away and eventually it all paid off.

Look for conferences that are within your budget and neighborhood first. Save your money and attend a big national conference every two or three years. Save the workshop materials in a file. Take a small notebook with you everywhere and make notes about what you see and hear at the conference. And save all your "aspiring writer" name tags for the scrapbook until one day you get the "published author" badge and everything changes. Just remember to be nice to all the "aspiring writers" you meet. You never know when one will be the next published author. It could be you!

Be well, write well,
Joy Held
www.writerwellness.com

I will be leading a workshop at the 2010 Romantic Times Booklovers Convention, April 28-May 2 in Columbus, OH. My workshop is titled "Your Brain On Yoga: How Exercise and Nutrition Make You A Better Writer." www.rtconvention.com.

Are you going to a writer con soon? Tell me about it!

Its/it's

I frequently see its and it's misused in manuscripts. Keeping them straight is very easy.
It's with an apostrophe is the contraction for it is. If you can substitute it is, it's is correct
Its means belonging to it (Possessive pronouns have no apostrophe).

Example: I will observe the cat while it's drinking its milk from its bowl.
The first one is the only one for which you can substitute it is. You can corrrectly say it is drinking, but it is drinking it is milk from it is bowl sounds strange.

As you can see, keeping these two troublemakers straight is very easy.

Happy writing.

Grammar Guru

A Slice of Writer's Life

"Where does a writer's 'voice' come from?"

Flaws. Imperfections. Blemishes. This is the stuff that makes us individuals, that makes us lovable, and that gives writers their unique perspective on the world. A writer's vantage point is precisely where her voice emanates. What makes a writer is someone who recognizes their voice and their particular turn of mind come from the same immeasurable place. Every writer has a voice. Some voices are more toned than others.

A writer's voice is a compilation of language, personal history, opinions, and truth as the writer sees it. Everybody has a literary voice but hearing it and being brave enough to write it down for others to see is something else. A writer's voice is the truest expression of what we believe or want to believe is fundamental to the existence of our species.

Voice is what grabs an editor or a reader and makes them follow along until the story is done. Voice is what draws a reader so deep into a piece that they begin to identify with the events and attach their own experiences to the writing.

If everyone has a voice, why is it one of the most difficult and esoteric fragments of the writing process? What do you do if an editor says, "You need to develop your voice more," or "Your voice didn't grab me enough to make me interested?"

Writing is like a muscle. It has to be flexed, exercised, and nourished every day. Not just the five thirty-minute exercise sessions a week called for by the surgeon general for your sexy abs, but the writing muscle needs to be put through some kind of paces seven days a week. The easiest way to accomplish this is by keeping a journal. It does not require a specific routine or set of exercises. In fact, the more gibberish you write the more clear things will become as you work daily in your journal to develop the unique way you want to write. But you must write something every day.

Journal writing is the place to practice and get things right or wrong or dumb or straight or crooked or just listed. The writer's journal is a no-boundaries play ground where you can experiment, lie, twist, copy, sort, and get right your special way of turning a sentence or laying words down in a certain order that are the tell-tale signs of your unique writer's voice. The more practice you make in your journal, the more your "real writing" begins to show signs of a voice that is distinctly yours. No one has to know that you practiced day after day, year after year in a journal to finally identify your true voice. In fact, when (not if,) but when you go back and reread your journal burn the parts you don't want shared if they bother you. But respect that your journal is the proving ground for what works and what makes your voice special. Type, write by hand, paint, use stickers, whatever it takes to open yourself to the real you and how you want to be heard. This journal practice will gently slide into your writing and someday an editor will send you a letter that says, "I love your voice."

What I'm Reading Right Now: "When Knowing Becomes Love, Meditation As Contemplative Inquiry" by Arthur Zajonc.

What Are You Reading?

Be well, write well,
Joy Held
Copyright 2010